My Struggle With Depression 10 Years Later [UPDATE]

Assalamualaikum wbt. Hello everyone!

I don't know if anyone remember me, or if anyone ever online or posts on Blogger anymore. But hi, I'm the girl with depression. And I'm back with my updates. This will includes everything..

So, somewhere around October in year 2014, I decided to share my story; about how I'm struggling with severe depression. To recap, at the age of 15 and 16 years old, I was diagnosed with severe depression and it stole everything from me.

My life
My future
My social skills
My friends
My happiness
Myself

Everything. I barely function as a human. I couldn't even study right, couldn't even sleep right, thinking right, acting right.
I was even afraid to pay at the cashier counter or enter a small mart without getting anxiety or without worrying what people that have no idea who I am might think of me.

That how bad the situation was. It's actually worse, but I've forgotten most of the part.

So, from year 2014 to 2024, 10 years later.. have I finally find my happiness? Have I successfully claiming my happiness or my life back?

Well, how do I say it..?

A lot has happened.

Do not expect the happy ending with fireworks or whatsoever though.


After year 2014, I was still dealing with my depression. It was bad, I still couldn't function right as a person. I didn't have friends, no social life, my boyfriend (who's now an ex) is so far away and I've never even met him in real life. But he was the only one I had back then. And he eventually cheated on me with a 30 years old woman who is actually a lot better than me. But I've heard that they've broken up and the lady married another man. LOL tiber gosip.

So, after 2014, I attempted to further my study in a course that I thought I liked, but it didn't last long and I dropped out.
My life during that time was bad still, I was still afraid of people, even people who's younger than me. And after I dropped out, I stayed at home, did nothing for the next 7 to 8 years.

Pretty bad right?

Well, depression isn't easy to tackle. In fact, it'll never go away. It's here to stay. I realized that when I was in my darkest moment.

So, I did nothing for the next 7-8 years I said? What years were those years that I have wasted?

2015
2015
2017
2018
2019
2020
2021
2022

2022 sounds pretty recently ain't it.
I was in my darkest moment during 2021-2022 as I was already age more than 25 years. At 25 years old I should have already secured a job and a car at least. But I was still a college drop out with no job. Not even friend.
Plus my relationship with my ex was gotten so bad, I knew he was cheating here and there for many years, but I had no one so I kept a blind eye so that I wouldn't be alone and had someone to actually make me feel validated.

But for some reason I've gotten tired of being treated so poorly. If you read MSWD (my previous story) I was actually never treated right.
Now, the only person that I had is treating me poorly too. So one morning I woke up feeling so fed-up and I try to find a reason to break up. With God's help, I found the woman's account. The woman he was cheating on with. Within just few second. I confronted him, told the woman, and left.

I cried for days. I lost weight that my bones were visible. And then I stayed at my mom's place to heal myself. I smoked tons f cigs. But one new thing about me, I hate feeling sad or sorry for myself or what has happened to me. So I chinned up, and pushed myself.


After the break up, first thing I did was applying for college. Because education was and is still my priority. Second thing I did was making friends. So I had few friends I've talked to online, and I asked this one guy who I ghosted for years for a meet-up.

College application approved.
I met the friend.

I aced in my study. First 3 semesters I've got 3.9 cgpa. The highest is 3.96.
The friend? Oh we're planning to get married soon. He's my boyfriend now. We fell in love on our first met.
Remember how afraid I was to pay at the cashier counter? I stare straight in their eyes now.
I face my anxiety. I even speak in front of many people giving speech. I'm a leader of so many programs. Some lecturer even had to do something to slow me down or stop me.
I went on a competition representing my college for Ikon Siarawan. Didn't win, but hey it's an achievement still. I drive now. I used to have road anxiety. But I'm driving now. Got into a pretty bad accident, but I'm still driving and face my trauma instead of crying about it.
I won Anugerah Pelajar Contoh & Anugerah Pelajar Terbaik.
I fought back and stand for myself when someone did me dirty.
I'm independent now.
I'm a lot stronger now.
I'm braver now.

I'm 29 years old now, soon to be 30. I've still got a long way to go.
I still have lots of years to spend on my study. I hope everything will go well.
I'm becoming someone's wife soon.
So, that's the update to My Struggle With Depression. It's actually more exciting but I want to explain things in the simplest way ever.
I hope I don't have to write on this page again.
I hope I'll be happy for a long time.


Ciao, loves.
Signing out,
Ying.

Happy Birthday, me.

March 2nd, 2017 12 am First birthday wishes that I received was from my superman, my boyfriend. 7 days ago aku mengalami "Birthday Blues or Birthday Depression". Bagaikan adat setiap tahun; every year, a week before my birthday aku akan mengalami kesedihan yang teramat. Jangan tanya kenapa. Ia datang dgn sendiri. Dan boyfriend aku jugak yang terpaksa cheer aku, sanggup buat apa-apa to cheer me up sampai satu saat dia rasa mcm impossible. Tapi dia kan hebat, so aku senyum jugak akhirnya. Senyum sampai aku lupa dgn birthday aku yg dah dekat. Second birthday wishes yang aku terima adalah daripada seorang mamat di Facebook. Terima kasih, whoever you are. Ada jugak ceria timeline aku yang kosong tu dgn birthday wish kau kpd aku. Birthday wishes yg ketiga aku aku terima, sudah pastinya dari Google. Terima kasih Google:) And here I am again. Di dalam kegelapan malam, pada hari jadi aku. Happy 22nd birthday, me. Tolong jangan give up dgn kehidupan. Kau dah lama bersedih, Bangun lah.

Doing a singgah

Hi everyone! Oh my it's been a while kan!  I hope you guys still remember me. Hehe alaa I'm the girl yg share my struggle with depression tu.

And selamat hari raya haji to all muslim all over the world! May the Adha bring all joy and happiness and health to everyone 😊❤️

There's only 4 months of 2016 left and 2017 is around the corner. I know! Time flies way too fast kan! Rasa macam baru semalam bulan January. I'm soooooo not ready for 2017. I don't mind getting older but I hope I'll find what I'm looking for in 2017. Tak minta anything fancy pun. Aku cuma maukan inner peace, kehidupan yang tenang and no more depressed-depressed. Penat sangat dah. Aku tamau bertekak dgn sapa2. Tamau berbalah and bermasam muka dgn sesape.


So memandangkan aku dah lama tak update blog and takut nanti this will be my last post and my blog bakal kena biar again so I'm just going to share apa yg aku dah achieve this year.


October 2015, aku buat keputusan untuk masuk kolej and aku apply kat kolej ***** hehe sorry tamau share and aku amik course yg aku rasa aku suka. Tak lama kemudian aku dpt surat daripada mereka and said aku diterima. I was so effing excited and also nervous and damn takut at the same time. Because kalau aku terima, meaning I'm going to tinggal jauh from my mom and aku tak pernah jauh dari mak aku and aku tak dpt jauh dari mak aku cause, well yknow..


I'm not berdikari I admit, and aku jenis yang susah nak adapt dgn environment baru, aku tak tahu macam mana nak berkenalan dengan orang and stuff but semua tu aku letak tepi and buat benda lain before register. So hari register, aku tak dpt tidur malam so I went to the college dgn mata mengantuk. First melangkah kaki ke college tu I instantly fell in love. And I was sure that I'm gonna like the college.


So dah register apa semua, then kitorg check my dorm. Tbh I kinda hate it. No, I HATED IT. SO MUCH. But then there's this one family bawak their daughter checking the room. Budak tu nampak mcm baik  and the mom also ckp that her daughter also cannot jauh2 from her so I was relieved. At least I'm not alone so for me everythings fine. Well, buat masa tu je.


Hari pertama was hard. Aku rasa mcm the perubahan too drastic. Aku dah biasa alone and now I had to deal with strangers and what? Lepak? Oh my god how to lepak? Duduk at taman? Bersiar2? Sorry I really don't know how to do all that 😖 So everytime when my classmates ajak keluar, aku tolak. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Yes I do buat pemerhatian and aku sorang je yang awkward. Hari pertama aku banyak pergi belakang crowd and trying to calm my arse down and aku berpeluh so much. The 2nd day also like that. Seminggu aku try to adapt but still gagal. I was alone and everyday aku call mak aku. Dlm sehari rasanya 3-4 kali kot.


Kat sekolah aku sorang2, kat kolej pun aku still sorang2. Some thing never change kan? The girl yg sama dorm aku tu rupanya jauh beza dari aku. Dia jenis yg loud and only friendly minggu pertama je. The rest aku malas nak cerita hehe. But aku takleh bertahan lama, so... I stopped college. Sebab aku terlalu stress and mcm yg aku ckp semuanya berubah terlalu drastic. My mom faham and tak push and lagi pentingkan my mental health and suruh balik. Sampai rumah, aku lega and almost cried. Okay I cried. A little. Gosh, dah 21 kot, still weak like that? 😔 But no worries! I will re enroll! But mybe dlm bidang yg lain 😊


And also, I'm not single anymore! Hehe how to say eh. One night, a guy yg aku dah lama suka tiba2 text and confessed to me ckp he liked me dah lama. Okay not so tiba2 la. Kitorg pernah text for like 2 years like that. And we shared things and tell jokes, compliments each other even bagi cute and funny nicknames hehe. Aku dah simpan perasaan kat dia lama but something happened pada hujung tahun 2015 so I decided to move on. Dia pergi UK buat kursus kat sana and kitorg stopped talking to each other but then miracle happens! Hehe. Actually aku ada mention his name kat one of my entry. Tak ingat pula which post kan. Kalau rajin kau cari lah haha! And, yeah, we've been together for almost 9 months now! I love him so much. Dia tau my struggle and my past. Even the darkest one. I told him everything, dia tahu mcm mana rupa aku and mcm mana suara aku but he chose to stay! Hehe sometimes I wonder, mcm mana lelaki yg berwawasan like him, lelaki yg very powerful mcm dia boleh suka dgn crybaby mcm aku ni. Aku ni confident level dah la below 0, social life takde, selalu serabut, emo gile babs, aneh and things, some nights aku asyik tanya dia why he love me, the answers always the same, tak pernah berubah, and that always makes me smile and again, CRY but in joy la. The heck Ying? Asyik menangis je! Lol



Yeah, kitorg mmg berbeza, TOTALLY berbeza but actually that's what yg buat kitorg serasi. I know, cliche and poyo but it's true.


Okay, moving on! This year I also experienced relapse. Yeah, relapse. And it is 10x worse than the depression itself. Aku even rasa suicidal. Bulan puasa pulak tu. But I manage to handle it walaupun ambil masa yang sangat, sangat lama. It was painful and tiring. But I'm not gonna let my illness taking over me. Nope. Aku mungkin lemah, but I'm never going to let anyone or anything ambil alih hidup aku. Eceh. And my laptop broke, another reasons why aku tak active kat blogger and dah tak active blogwalking lagi (damn, I miss singgah2 and baca blog orang) and then my phone also rosak  (yes, sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga really suits my situation) but yg bestnya I got a new phoneeee! Yay!





So.... Yeah... Nothing really exciting pun yg terjadi but this year, walaupun banyak bad things yg berlaku kat aku, tapi tahun ni mmg magical. Hopefully hidup korang pun bakal dipenuhi dgn magis dariNya. Insya Allah.