Thursday, 2 March 2017

Happy Birthday, me.

March 2nd, 2017 12 am First birthday wishes that I received was from my superman, my boyfriend. 7 days ago aku mengalami "Birthday Blues or Birthday Depression". Bagaikan adat setiap tahun; every year, a week before my birthday aku akan mengalami kesedihan yang teramat. Jangan tanya kenapa. Ia datang dgn sendiri. Dan boyfriend aku jugak yang terpaksa cheer aku, sanggup buat apa-apa to cheer me up sampai satu saat dia rasa mcm impossible. Tapi dia kan hebat, so aku senyum jugak akhirnya. Senyum sampai aku lupa dgn birthday aku yg dah dekat. Second birthday wishes yang aku terima adalah daripada seorang mamat di Facebook. Terima kasih, whoever you are. Ada jugak ceria timeline aku yang kosong tu dgn birthday wish kau kpd aku. Birthday wishes yg ketiga aku aku terima, sudah pastinya dari Google. Terima kasih Google:) And here I am again. Di dalam kegelapan malam, pada hari jadi aku. Happy 22nd birthday, me. Tolong jangan give up dgn kehidupan. Kau dah lama bersedih, Bangun lah.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Doing a singgah

Hi everyone! Oh my it's been a while kan!  I hope you guys still remember me. Hehe alaa I'm the girl yg share my struggle with depression tu.

And selamat hari raya haji to all muslim all over the world! May the Adha bring all joy and happiness and health to everyone 😊❤️

There's only 4 months of 2016 left and 2017 is around the corner. I know! Time flies way too fast kan! Rasa macam baru semalam bulan January. I'm soooooo not ready for 2017. I don't mind getting older but I hope I'll find what I'm looking for in 2017. Tak minta anything fancy pun. Aku cuma maukan inner peace, kehidupan yang tenang and no more depressed-depressed. Penat sangat dah. Aku tamau bertekak dgn sapa2. Tamau berbalah and bermasam muka dgn sesape.


So memandangkan aku dah lama tak update blog and takut nanti this will be my last post and my blog bakal kena biar again so I'm just going to share apa yg aku dah achieve this year.


October 2015, aku buat keputusan untuk masuk kolej and aku apply kat kolej ***** hehe sorry tamau share and aku amik course yg aku rasa aku suka. Tak lama kemudian aku dpt surat daripada mereka and said aku diterima. I was so effing excited and also nervous and damn takut at the same time. Because kalau aku terima, meaning I'm going to tinggal jauh from my mom and aku tak pernah jauh dari mak aku and aku tak dpt jauh dari mak aku cause, well yknow..


I'm not berdikari I admit, and aku jenis yang susah nak adapt dgn environment baru, aku tak tahu macam mana nak berkenalan dengan orang and stuff but semua tu aku letak tepi and buat benda lain before register. So hari register, aku tak dpt tidur malam so I went to the college dgn mata mengantuk. First melangkah kaki ke college tu I instantly fell in love. And I was sure that I'm gonna like the college.


So dah register apa semua, then kitorg check my dorm. Tbh I kinda hate it. No, I HATED IT. SO MUCH. But then there's this one family bawak their daughter checking the room. Budak tu nampak mcm baik  and the mom also ckp that her daughter also cannot jauh2 from her so I was relieved. At least I'm not alone so for me everythings fine. Well, buat masa tu je.


Hari pertama was hard. Aku rasa mcm the perubahan too drastic. Aku dah biasa alone and now I had to deal with strangers and what? Lepak? Oh my god how to lepak? Duduk at taman? Bersiar2? Sorry I really don't know how to do all that 😖 So everytime when my classmates ajak keluar, aku tolak. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Yes I do buat pemerhatian and aku sorang je yang awkward. Hari pertama aku banyak pergi belakang crowd and trying to calm my arse down and aku berpeluh so much. The 2nd day also like that. Seminggu aku try to adapt but still gagal. I was alone and everyday aku call mak aku. Dlm sehari rasanya 3-4 kali kot.


Kat sekolah aku sorang2, kat kolej pun aku still sorang2. Some thing never change kan? The girl yg sama dorm aku tu rupanya jauh beza dari aku. Dia jenis yg loud and only friendly minggu pertama je. The rest aku malas nak cerita hehe. But aku takleh bertahan lama, so... I stopped college. Sebab aku terlalu stress and mcm yg aku ckp semuanya berubah terlalu drastic. My mom faham and tak push and lagi pentingkan my mental health and suruh balik. Sampai rumah, aku lega and almost cried. Okay I cried. A little. Gosh, dah 21 kot, still weak like that? 😔 But no worries! I will re enroll! But mybe dlm bidang yg lain 😊


And also, I'm not single anymore! Hehe how to say eh. One night, a guy yg aku dah lama suka tiba2 text and confessed to me ckp he liked me dah lama. Okay not so tiba2 la. Kitorg pernah text for like 2 years like that. And we shared things and tell jokes, compliments each other even bagi cute and funny nicknames hehe. Aku dah simpan perasaan kat dia lama but something happened pada hujung tahun 2015 so I decided to move on. Dia pergi UK buat kursus kat sana and kitorg stopped talking to each other but then miracle happens! Hehe. Actually aku ada mention his name kat one of my entry. Tak ingat pula which post kan. Kalau rajin kau cari lah haha! And, yeah, we've been together for almost 9 months now! I love him so much. Dia tau my struggle and my past. Even the darkest one. I told him everything, dia tahu mcm mana rupa aku and mcm mana suara aku but he chose to stay! Hehe sometimes I wonder, mcm mana lelaki yg berwawasan like him, lelaki yg very powerful mcm dia boleh suka dgn crybaby mcm aku ni. Aku ni confident level dah la below 0, social life takde, selalu serabut, emo gile babs, aneh and things, some nights aku asyik tanya dia why he love me, the answers always the same, tak pernah berubah, and that always makes me smile and again, CRY but in joy la. The heck Ying? Asyik menangis je! Lol



Yeah, kitorg mmg berbeza, TOTALLY berbeza but actually that's what yg buat kitorg serasi. I know, cliche and poyo but it's true.


Okay, moving on! This year I also experienced relapse. Yeah, relapse. And it is 10x worse than the depression itself. Aku even rasa suicidal. Bulan puasa pulak tu. But I manage to handle it walaupun ambil masa yang sangat, sangat lama. It was painful and tiring. But I'm not gonna let my illness taking over me. Nope. Aku mungkin lemah, but I'm never going to let anyone or anything ambil alih hidup aku. Eceh. And my laptop broke, another reasons why aku tak active kat blogger and dah tak active blogwalking lagi (damn, I miss singgah2 and baca blog orang) and then my phone also rosak  (yes, sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga really suits my situation) but yg bestnya I got a new phoneeee! Yay!





So.... Yeah... Nothing really exciting pun yg terjadi but this year, walaupun banyak bad things yg berlaku kat aku, tapi tahun ni mmg magical. Hopefully hidup korang pun bakal dipenuhi dgn magis dariNya. Insya Allah.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Anyone, help!


I am one of those people who has spent A LOT of time thinking and questioning about death and even imagining her own death; but never dreamt of it, or wanting it.

But so much shit has happened in my life that I'm questioning whether I even have a life, or if what I thought was 'my life' is actually an illusion, or maybe a delusion .

Because it doesn't seems like living to me. It seems like.... preserving, like....that's the most I can hope for. I'm not old, still very young, in fact, but I'm already so tired. Even getting out of my bed and cleaning myself is like an enormous tasks.

Life seems to be about endurance; not enjoyment, not fulfillment. I don't see the point. Like, why am I here, really? What on earth am I here for?

If someone told me I could go back and undo my birth, I think I might. I really do.

Is that the same thing as wanting to die?
And if so,
What does that mean?